Vermilion.

Hiii.

Well, it's 8:30pm, I've only been up a few hours. This is due to lack of sleep during the night due to my illness. Yeah, I haven't really explained on my blog that I'm ill, but I guess I could mention now - I have a throat infection, major chest pains and the occasional kidney pains. And on top of that, I recently caught a cold. And I also have cramp pains, so yes, I am a moody bitch today, but you can't really blame me, huh? ANYWAY, yeah, I've wasted the day away, I woke up at 5pm. Such a bad thing for me to do. I hate waking up after 12. Makes me feel rotten.

Anyhow, I'm going through a mixture of emotions. One of them is guilt. I recently received a text message from my uncle, saying that he can't wait to see me next month when he's down here in London for the New Year period. I stupidly text back saying that I'm excited to see him too even though I won't be seeing him.

I won't be seeing him because my family (Dad, mum and my younger brother, Ross) and I will be travelling to Gullane, Scotland for Christmas on the early morning of Christmas Eve. My dad, mum and brother will then be travelling back the 27th of December, when I will be staying there until after New Years. While I'm in Scotland, I will also be travelling to Glasgow to see the other side of my family, but my Uncle won't be there, because he'll be down here. My uncle travels back to Scotland on the 4th of January, so I won't see him at all. Ugh, shit shit shit.

I'm also feeling really upset because I don't know if I'll ever be coming back to London. I mean, yeah, I'm so fucking happy to have been given the opportunity to live up there - Scotland is my home, the place I belong. Basically my happy place. But, I've grown up in London, I've made the best fucking friends I ever could have, so just leaving them behind on such a short notice actually breaks my heart. I don't know if I'll ever see them again. I don't know if I'll ever stay in contact with them. I don't know if they'll even remember me in the next few years, and that petrifies me. A part of me doesn't want to me, but the other part of me wants to move there, and quite frankly, I don't know what part I am going to stick with. Fuck. My. Life.

For now, bye.

♥